Blog — Clear Career

Seven and a half billion: the number of humans bouncing around this planet like pin balls. So why are we so alone? Why do we carry the sole weight of our own success and happiness? We spent our childhood biking around the neighborhood, gathering up friends as we went along, and hanging out in the best backyards together. Our teen years were spent in small packs, entertaining ourselves, getting into trouble, and holding each other’s hands through the toughest years of our life thus far. As we journeyed through our college years, we studied during the week so we could party the weekend away. We formed bonds that we thought for sure would last a life time.

Then something happened. For some of us, it was gradual. For others, it happened overnight. We grew up, put on our adult pants, set aside the playdates, and chase our career. At first, it’s invigorating and self-inspiring, but then the pressures keep stacking higher and higher on our shoulders until we can no longer self-coach ourselves through it and, at a time when we need friendships more than ever, we find ourselves so very alone.

In the first chapter of his book, Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without, Tom Rath interviews a homeless man. This man previously had a very normal life: good childhood, an education, a wife, three children, and a job. “What landed you on the streets?” Tom asked.

The story that followed did not start with poverty. It did not begin with alcoholism. The lead domino was the loss of his close friend at work. Having a good friend in the work place made the stresses of the job and their harsh boss bearable and even enjoyable. Without his friend at the desk next to him, the negative pressures built until he could no longer handle them. He began to drink excessively, eventually losing his job, his wife, his children, his home, and his car.

“Who expects you to amount to something?” Tom asked of him. “I don’t think anyone does anymore,” was his reply.

While this story may be more on the extreme side of the scale of negative effects of the lack of friends, it sometimes takes the drastic to open our eyes. We need people. We need friendships.

This life throws some real messed up crap at us. Our idea of a perfect projection can be shattered in a spilt second, and sometimes we don’t realize that second happened until we look back in retrospect. When broken perfection trips us up, our human patterns of survival kick in, and we begin to sabotage ourselves with negative thoughts of fear and failure. These are most vulnerable moments of our lives.

These are the moments we need specific, vital relationships with people who truly believe in us. We need someone to help us sort these spiraling thoughts, label them for what they are, and climb back up. Tom Rath outlines 8 roles of friendships, saying that everyone needs 3-4 friends who display some of these in order to maintain a healthy and happy life.

1. Builder – Motivator, personally investing in the building of your success

2. Champion – Got your back, standing up for you and what you believe in

3. Collaborator – Shares many of the same interests, passions, and hobbies

4. Companion – There in every moment of your life – good or bad

5. Connector – Networking buddy with access to any connection you need; “knows everyone”

6. Energizer – The feel-good friend who keeps who laughing and having fun

7. Mind Opener – Gently pries open your mind to see outside your comfort zone of ideas

8. Navigator – Weighs the pros and cons with you, guiding you to the best decisions

Of course, no one person is capable of being all this for you. You’re going to need several to cover the bases that are most needful for you.

If you are fortunate enough to have people in your life that reflect this list, invest in them. Be to them the type of friend you do best. And the next time someone says, “We should get coffee sometime”, make it happen. It could save your life.

The most influential people in history are people that had, or have, enormous vision. They are people that saw what they desired their legacy to be and put in the work to walk towards that, no matter the distance. They are people that we look up to, are inspired by, and want to mirror. People of great influence were not born with any more talent or ability than you, the only thing that sets them apart is their determination to see their vision become their reality. In it’s most simple form of definition, your vision is what you want to accomplish with your life. Your vision is what you see when you imagine your most meaningful future. Helen Keller famously quoted, “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.” Many of us would recognize Martin Luther King Jr. as a man with a vision that, quite literally, changed the future of an entire nation. But what does it actually take to not only determine what your vision is, but to walk towards it so boldly that your life, and the lives around you, are forever changed?

The story of Dr. King, as he was later called, usually picks up right around the time that he became nationally recognized as an influential subject in the fight to end racial injustice. What many of us aren’t aware of are the years of tedious work that King pushed through before ever being recognized. We don’t think about Dr. King as a newspaper delivery boy working long hours for very minimal pay. And we don’t think of him as the small town pastor that he was for many years before he became the leader that we remember him as today.

Having vision is taking the bird's-eye view of your life and deciding what you want it to look like overall. Your vision is expansive, large, undetailed, and full of passion. You may be wondering where to start on this journey of determining your vision. Start with discovering the answers to these questions:

What would bring me meaning and significance?

Push aside the idea of what you should be doing, and focus on what you desire to be doing. Is there a cause that you wish to be a part of? Do you crave to be home with your kid’s more than you are? Does the thought of going back to school excite you? Even if what you desire doesn’t make clear sense to you right now, your desires point you towards your vision. Write them down unedited and think upon them. Your vision doesn’t mean accomplishing certain goals by a certain date, your vision is what gives your life meaning.

What causes me to feel significant now?

Look at the things that take up your time and ask yourself what significance they bring to you. The significance we are speaking of here is how you make meaning out of the world. If you find that the majority of your time is spent doing things that don’t bring you meaning, now is the time to re-shape your life step by step. Don’t be overwhelmed by that thought, be energized by it! You’re beginning to uncover what matters to you.

Who do I admire?

Who do you find yourself being inspired by? Perhaps it’s a public figure, or a neighbor, or spouse, or a friend. Whomever it is, learn their story. Everyone, and I mean everyone, that has influence has walked their own path that looked dull for a time. Similarly to Dr. King, we will all walk through parts of our own stories that seem arduous and unending while making our way towards our vision. Legacies take a lifetime to unfold.

It wasn’t until towards the end of his journey that Dr. King made his famous “I Have A Dream Speech.” We will never see our vision fulfilled until we continue down the path that may seem unending for a time. Remember that your vision is designed to give you meaning and your goals are designed to direct you towards that meaning. Dr. William Larkin said, “Goals are doorways to vision and that vision sometimes takes some time to unfold and navigate itself where it wants to go.”

So, create specific goals that guide you closer towards your vision.

As a career management coach it would be easy to point people towards a job that seems to fit them on paper. But I want to help you find your vision, create your goals, and walk towards that legacy with you. My vision is that we pursue your vision together, not only in your career but in every corner of your life.

We’re in this together!